EXPRESSING AND DEVELOPING LOVE
EXPRESSING AND DEVELOPING LOVE
Virgil Warren, PhD
INTRODUCTION
The mark of a Christian is love.
“They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love.”
I. EXPRESSING LOVE
A. Doing what love produces.
We sometimes say we love our spouse, children, other Christian, or neighbors, but we don’t see that our actions do not fit our claim. We do not seem to know what to do or how to love. Behaviors like the following should clarify what loving is and does.
1. Patience: 1 Corinthians 13:4
Taking time with people
2. Selflessness (not jealousy): 1 Corinthians 13:4b
3. Humility: 1 Corinthians 13:4c
When other people see that we are willing to take second seat, they will know we care about them and what they are trying to do.
4. Thoughtfulness: 1 Corinthians 13:5a + b
We get tunnel consciousness just as some of us have tunnel vision.
5. Self-control
Love does not get mad quick; it stops to find out why something unexpected has happened.
We do not have to be saying, “I love you.” From our actions people will get the point more convincingly even if unconsciously.
As far as feelings are concerned, we may not be sure that we love other people; but by involving ourselves in the behavior of love, we can be sure we are doing loving things.
B. Giving attention to body language.
Psalm 5:11: “Let all those rejoice who take refuge in you;
Let them ever shout for joy because you defend them;
Let them also that love your name be joyful in you.”
A smile says, “I accept you; I am approachable; I am comfortable with you and
with myself.”
Facial expressions are especially available for communication purposes.
C. Giving attention to verbal communication
10% of communication is what we say.
35% of communication is the way we say it.
55% of communication is nonverbal communication.
1. What we say
Get in the habit of not always saying what you think.
It avoids criticism that often comes under the guise of being “honest.”
It avoids the laziness of not wanting to think before speaking.
2. How we say it
Tone of voice is important.
3. That we say
Getting in the habit of letting people know that we appreciate; verbalize
appreciation.
Lack of communication can cause more problems than being misunderstood
when we do say something.
D. Using touch.
Jesus took little kids up and held them (Mark 10:13-16).
Holy kiss
Hug
Studies show that touching and hugging do good things for people even through
the physical contact itself.
E. Watching what loving people do to express love.
John 13:34: “I am giving you a new commandment: that you love each other, even as I have loved you, that you love each other.”
John 15:12: “This is my commandment: that you love each other as I have
loved you.”
F. Putting people first
Putting love ahead of pleasure, things, goods, self, power
The problem is not so much doing the loving things in and of themselves but knowing how to mix love with things like assertiveness, discipline, leadership.
II. DEVELOPING LOVE
A. Starting to do what love produces INNER-OUTER
The outward actions reinforce inwardly, changing the heart.
Starting with the outer is not phony behavior.
We start there with the motive of developing the inner, not to deceive.
We need not worry that a certain feeling is not there; the feeling will come because feelings arise more readily from actions than from thoughts and words.
B. Deliberately emphasizing the products of love that are HOLISTIC NATURE
already our strengths. OF MAN
Our personality strengths feed off onto our weaknesses because we tend to become consistent—in this case consistent in love. Most virtues stem from love; so we strengthen our weaknesses by strengthening our love, which is done by outer actions (strengths) reinforcing inward on the attitude. The practice of love consolidates our efforts—as in consolidating debts.
1. Love produces the effects in 1 Corinthians 13.
2. Outward expression deepens inward feelings.
3. We can overcome a fault not consonant with love (temper) by working through what we have already developed.
It is important to be consistent so people will give us the benefit of the doubt in
ambiguous cases.
Living deliberately means not living by our feelings or impulses. In order to love, we have to live above feelings and impulses. We have to live by principle and operate by will.
We can overcome our faults by stressing our virtues, which becomes loving. All individual virtues well up from the same spring: love.
Concentrate on love by stressing the outward strengths we already have.
Instead of trying to concentrate on a lot of virtues at once, we can concentrate on the one virtue that produces the rest: love. Even further, by concentrating on one product of love, we gain access to a way of bringing the other products on line. That procedure works because all virtues “touch” all other virtues like the pieces of a pie. Our personality is an integrated thing.
C. Treating everyone the way we treat the people we like TRANSFER
Generalize it to acquaintances and even to our enemies.
D. Putting ourselves around loving people to see what they do INFLUENCE
and to motivate ourselves to do it.
This approach takes advantage of the interpersonal component (reciprocation).
Their influence helps call forth that behavior in us. We may pick up some ways of carrying yourselves that help us express love.
E. Starting by making a point of treating other people the way GOLDEN-RULE we would want to be treated if we were in their shoes. MECHANISM
Before we speak, we should stop to think about how people will take our
remarks.
F. Helping other people develop their ability to love. SERVICE AS A MEANS
TO SANCTIFICATION
This method puts the pressure on us not to mess up in the very thing we are
teaching.
Taking up the ministry mentality. It provides concentration.
It lets attention fall on the other person, and
we get out of ourselves, which is itself one
of the necessities of love anyway.
CONCLUSION
The general point is to quit living by habit and live deliberately.
unconsciously and live consciously.
by impulse and live intentionally.
by feelings and live by values.
KEY TO BOTH EXPRESSING AND DEVELOPING LOVE
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